"I don't know if it was a vision that I created or if it was from God." I'm describing an image to my Prayer Guide, a wise woman 10 years my senior, that I received during prayer. We discussed the imagery I saw during prayer as part of a contemplation exercise from earlier in the week.
She looks at me warmly and says, "That's a beautiful image. Does it matter if the image you saw during prayer is God's or yours? Ignatius believed our deepest desires are God's desires for us. It's also been said we don't desire enough." I took some notes in my prayer journal.
She continued, "You're growing in trust, and your soul is expanding. These are very much right-brain images, which is great growth given your left-brain training. You should see your face right now; you're glowing!" She recommended the book My Stroke of Insight to explore both sides of the brain and how each side impacts how we experience life.
We are in a small, private room at the Library where we've been meeting weekly since the beginning of Lent. Throughout Lent, I committed to one hour of daily scripture reflection and prayer, guided by exercises I complete from the book Love: A Guide for Prayer. On Saturdays, I meet with my guide to process what I've experienced during prayer the week prior. I started meeting with a prayer guide through the Ignatian Spirituality Center of Kansas City on the recommendation of two close friends who have grown significantly in their prayer lives due to this experience. It's only been a few weeks, but I've already seen the fruit.
This experience has shown me that God is the ultimate healer, and his attention to detail is unmatched. I say that being someone who cares deeply about the details. Of course, God knows that, too, and I can see he has gone to great lengths to prove it.
After continuing our discussion about desire, she asks, "How do you view God's will?"
It's a probing question, but one I'm glad she asks. "I used to think God's will was something I needed to figure out or find. It almost felt like there were particular doors, and I needed to choose one to be within his will. I don't think that's an accurate view, but it’s what I used to think. I desperately wanted to be within God’s will and be good. "
Her eyebrows raise, and she asks, "What do you believe now?"
"His will is love. Love can look so many ways, and he will move within whatever path we pick, but ultimately, we were created to love him and others."
"Jesus gives us a beautiful example of God's love, care, and attention. That's huge. How do you think you arrived at your new understanding?"
I consider this question carefully. "I think the grief over my mom and some health surprises, despite my best efforts, propelled my dependency on God. I could no longer strong-arm life. I want to be in control, and I'm impatient, but in loss, I realized how little control I have. I became more consistent in prayer out of sorrow. Reading the Bible with The Bible Recap was transformative. It all took time. It's been gradual growth. It feels like trust is moving from knowledge in my head to change in my heart. It's taken longer than I would like."
She nods knowingly. "This next week, in addition to the daily readings in the book, I want you to re-read the beginning of Genesis. In Genesis 1, pay attention to all that God says is good. When he creates, he concludes that it was VERY good. Not just good, VERY good. God is not in a box. He's so much bigger and much more gracious. You don't need to prove your goodness. Your relationship with God is growing, and it takes time. Keep going."
Our hour always ends too quickly, but I have my instructions for the week ahead. I leave the library looking forward to seeing God's love and goodness in the littlest details throughout the coming week.
"His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me."