On Marriage: An Essential Lesson

What They Don't Tell You at the Altar.

I’m sitting on a comfy blue couch in my counselor’s office, and we’re talking about marriage. My counselor is a wise 60-something woman who radiates warmth and peace like sunshine. She sits across from me in a chair, leaning forward, ready to hear what I’m bringing in today.

After some general life updates and a shared laugh about stubborn technology, I ask a question.

“I have a specific thought about marriage, and I want to hear your opinion on it. Will you tell me if I’m wrong?”

She smiles and shifts in her seat to get comfortable for what I’m sure she knows will be a lengthy discussion. She invites my curiosity, saying, “Absolutely, let’s hear it.”

“So I read once that marriage is a people-growing machine. I agree with that. I expected that marriage would require growth, and it has. What I didn’t expect was that the growth would come from discomfort. No one talks about how difficult it is to grow within a marriage, how people change, and how the relationship has to shift to accommodate those changes. It’s bumpy. To have a healthy marriage is a choice you make with every interaction and every day. I guess I feel like marriage isn’t marketed accurately.”

My counselor smiles at me and nods, saying, “You’re spot on. We must slow down and deepen when we recognize that something is bubbling up.”

She walks to her cabinet, pulls open a file drawer, and hands me a “Marriage Expectations” sheet she uses during premarital counseling with couples.

“Here, look at this sheet. In my work, we call these ‘Idealistic Distortions.’ We all wear rose-colored glasses. It’s important to call out certain expectations as unrealistic.”

Reviewing the sheet, I recognize a few distortions that have melted away over the past 16 years of marriage.

She continues, “Our family of origin patterns eventually start bumping against each other, and the first thing we must do is acknowledge it.”

I nod in recognition and reply, “That makes sense.”

She continues, “Often, people feel like there’s something about them that’s still not known by their partner. Have I explained how I describe ‘intimacy’ as ‘Into-Me-You-See?’”

I smile and reply, “Not yet, but I like that! It’s clever.”

“It’s true! We have to acknowledge that intimacy is an ongoing pursuit. It takes work and intention.”

I shake my head and reply, “It’s hard work!”

“It is hard work. People have to be willing to admit there are limitations and problems in relationships. That doesn’t mean we don’t grow deeper and happier, though.”

“How does that typically happen?”

“The first step is awareness. Then, if the couple is willing to honestly confront the challenge at hand, that builds resiliency, and that experience leads to depth. All the while, our old patterns are at play. If you’re an avoider, you’ll avoid even more. If you tend to be anxious, you’ll default to being anxious. When two people are in the thick of things together, the idealizations eventually have to melt. It’s really important to stay present.”

Our hour together passes quickly as she explains some idealistic distortions she experienced in her marriage. Her insight is invaluable, and I leave feeling lighter than I entered.

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Chris and I will celebrate 16 years of marriage on Friday, and in honor of that anniversary, I’m sharing two podcasts about marriage. These episodes are deep, and true in my experience. Cheers to growth!

1. Discomfort for Growth: A Crash Course in Differentiation Theory on Conversations with Dr. Jennifer podcast aired 12/12/2023

“I think a lot of times we live non-intimate lives because we don’t want to confront the loss and the risk of living more intimately. And by intimately,, I mean being more truthful about what you desire. More truthful about your sense of loss in the marriage, more truthful about who you really are, and then that means we’re up against a certain vulnerability. Usually, we tend to be quiet and resent that our spouse isn’t different than they are, rather than, in many ways, being intimate enough or honest enough to push the relationship to deal with more truth.”

-Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife 

2. Harvard Professor: The Real Reason Marriages Fall Apart (With Dr. Arthur Brooks) on The Dr. John Delony Show aired 9/20/2024

“Your core demographic is people making their way, right? They have heard that psychological discomfort, pain, and suffering are evidence of a problem. That is wrong. That is a lie.”

-Dr. Arthur Brooks