The One Thing Your Spouse, Kids, Co-workers, and Friends Need to Know.
What We Often Overlook in our Relationships.
Six years ago, my husband and I were invited to a marriage workshop organized for a small group of couples from our church. Kevin Haley, a mentor from our small group, crafted the weekend, which remains the most vulnerable and authentic space I’ve ever experienced regarding marriage.
Looking back, I see a common thread running through our group: nearly all of us had faced at least one season of deep grief—life’s difficult cards. I think it’s fair to say that all of us were weary. Most of us were couples in our 30s and 40s navigating the competing priorities of career and parenthood, in addition to the weight of grief.
Kevin had just entered his 60s and was not only a trained counselor but also had the life experience you want in a mentor. He explained that the content was a trial run for what he hoped to offer to the entire church. He was seeking insight before providing it to the congregation.
If I’m honest, when we received the invitation, I wasn’t sure if I should feel concerned or grateful. Also, a marriage conference wasn’t on my 2019 list. Still, given the opportunity, we secured childcare for our 3- and 5-year-old girls and spent the weekend with a group of 13 other vulnerable and courageous couples under Kevin’s leadership.
It was impressive how quickly Kevin connected 13 couples who didn’t know each other in deep and authentic vulnerability. Each of us desired a genuine pursuit of God. Everyone was open to the Spirit’s work that weekend - which is all God requires to begin his good work.
Before we began the sessions (featuring conversations such as “revisiting a rocky moment”😳), Kevin grounded us in the Garden of Eden. Revisiting Genesis 1 & 2, Kevin emphasized how the Bible tells us that God declared goodness over EVERYTHING he created, with the exception of man being alone.
Day 1: “God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.” - Genesis 1:3-4 NIV
Day 2: “God said, ‘Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.’ So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And it was so.” - Genesis 1:6-7 NIV
Day 3: “God said, ‘Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.’ And it was so. God called the dry ground ‘land,’ and the gathered waters he called ‘seas.’ And God saw that it was good.” Then God said, ‘Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.’ And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.” -Genesis 1: 9-12
Day 4: “God said, ‘Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.’ And it was so. God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good.” -Genesis 1:14-18
Day 5: “God said, ‘Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.’ So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.”-Genesis 1:20-21
Day 6: “God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” -Genesis 1:26-27
“God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.” - Genesis 1:31
Later, in Genesis 2, after putting man in the Garden of Eden, God warns man about trying to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil. Immediately, God says it’s not good for man to be alone.
“And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” -Genesis 2:17-18
Light? Good.
Sky? Good.
Dry land, seas, vegetation? Good.
Sun, moon, stars? Good.
Sea creatures and birds? Good.
Land animals and humans? Good.
Rest? Good.
Man being alone? Not good.
Kevin made the following point on that sticky July day, and this is the crux of things that we often overlook:
The person sitting next to you is a means of grace - God designed us to learn through relational practice. Remember that what your spouse, kids, co-workers, and friends need to know is:
‘Are you there for me?’
Throughout the weekend, each couple was genuinely vulnerable in sharing difficult things. There was no subject left untouched. We brought it all into the light - both collectively as a group and during the breakout sessions with our spouses. It was real, and it was honest.
Kevin passed away two years later at 64, leaving behind a profound mentorship void in the lives of countless men. The marriage conference he led that *one* time remains a lasting gift, and I’m deeply grateful for the guidance he offered during that transformative July weekend. Kevin was always generous with his hard-earned wisdom and never hesitated to share a cup of coffee over an authentic conversation.
At his funeral, it was humbling to witness the wide network of relationships he cultivated, guiding men through the challenges of modern life. As Chris and I left that day, we both agreed: We wanted to be like Kevin when we grew up. This was the first clear vision I had for my life since my mother passed away in 2016. That moment left a mark on my life, shaping countless decisions since, including our values, goals, and priorities as a couple.
Kevin Haley led by example, creating genuine relationships everywhere he went. I will never forget how he saw us in a season of difficulty and showed up by providing intentional mentorship.
Take the first step toward deepening your relationships today. Let your actions speak louder than words, whether by sharing something personal with your spouse, reaching out to a friend for a genuine conversation, or simply being present for someone in need.
Relationships are what we were made for.
“The best use of life is love.
The best expression of love is time.
And the best time to love is now.”
-Rick Warren
With Kindness,
Kristin
P.S. What They Don’t Tell You at the Altar…
On Marriage: An Essential Lesson
I’m sitting on a comfy blue couch in my counselor’s office, and we’re talking about marriage. My counselor is a wise 60-something woman who radiates warmth and peace like sunshine. She sits across from me in a chair, leaning forward, ready to hear what I’m bringing in today.
Day 6 is the most important for me.
Kristin, thanks for writing!
This goes to show we should live as if each day is our last, both for our families and others. Encountering people like Kevin--the ones that have a mark--is a gift to be treasured.
Some of the sweetest moments my wife and I have shared have been when we, like Kevin, have sought to pour the love of Christ into the lives of others. This often involves being vulnerable and bearing one another's burdens and so fulfilling the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2).
In short (and jest), don't be a Karen. Be a Kevin!